Fam, you know, sadly, I never ‘ate’ my school fees. Never. Not even once.
As such, I have long felt like an outcast among my friends. Like I am missing out on life, or Eastlands didn’t bring me up properly. Or something. Because all the current cool kids I know, like Allan Gichigi, Michael Kinyua, PKay Paul and Nganga Runo at one time in their high school days thoroughly fyekad a year’s school fees, KIMANGOTO!
And they were all in a boarding school somewhere. They spent thousands of shillings on Bread, Big G, Patco and Fries. None was doing drugs.
The boys were just hanging out around Nairobi Bus Station. For a whole term. Before they were caught. (At least one of them stayed with the school watchman. I’ll tell you who.)
So I decided, since I am not in school anymore, meaning I am not going to be handling any of my personal school fees, and since Bepa, Baby Girl, The One, Osiep Chunya, is not in school, too, and hence has no fees, I am going to eat my daughter’s, Otieno One, school tuition fees.
Yeap. Thaz woz zi plan.
All I wanted to know was what eating school fees tastes like, really. And also to have a story next time at the The Koroga Festival where people are just yapping and outdoing each other about their fees eating skills. Kwanza the people who have raruad HELB money are like one million.
I have some little eating experience. I have eaten bus fare and had to walk long distances. I have eaten money for school books. I once went and bought kerosene for 18 bob instead of 20.00 and yep, swallowed a whole two bob. All by myself.
I once finished my pocket money a week to school opening. On the day I am getting a bus to go to Yale University, Siaya Campus, I went and told my mum,
ME: Mum, nimepoteza pocket money. Sijui nime misplace wapi.’
MUM: Mmmmmmh! Is that so?
ME: Yes, in fact. Ona. Niokolee, nikipata job nikiwa mkubwa, nitakurudishia.
MUM: Enda tu shule, buda. Mkifunga utakuja uitafute hiyo pocket money pahali umepoteza.
I have also eaten church offertory money. Yo. I nearly died. I was soooooo fuuuullll out of eating one piece of Bhajia. My stomach felt like it was growing and growing. Ran home and read about 5 whole bible chapters before I felt any better.
It was like they were coming for me.
One of my friends once bought ndaos pale Majengo for two hundred bob. SOO MBILI! And you were getting 3 for ten shilling. He ate six, and went back home with a gunia of mandazis. YO! He was chapwad a proper one. Turns out he had eaten money for a C.U. Challenge Weekend trip he had made up. His mom gave him a whole Mutaratara hymn book and made him copy it into fifteen two hundred paged books. Pale St. John’s Pumwani. He also had to finish the ndaos by himselo.
He called us to help chini ya maji, but tulifanya mpaka pahali tungeweza. Huyo boys siku hizi hagusi tu ndunya. Ata iwe ndogo aje.
Any way, I just needed to know how school fees reaaaaally tastes like.
And so, early this year, Otieno One’s school fees was available, and I wanted to taste it.
HEH! Niwaambieko, jamaneni. It didn’t go well as I had planned. Not one bit.
FULL STORY SOON.
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