Harusi inatuoneshanga mambo.
Tumerauka ngware, tuko works. 2 teams of a video guy, a photographer and a runner. Squad 1 imeenda milimani kwa akina boy child, squad 2 tunadunda Outer, Eastlands kwa akina gyal dem. Boy child ni Mhala, na gyal ni Msap.
So we get to Eastlands and there is drama already at 7. People are late. Others are drunk. Others are waiting for sodas and lesos. But we say it’s normal tension on wedding days. We are taken to a house, where we could be working from since bride and maids would be getting ready from there. We check in and sit at the table. This is not the bride’s house. Because we had said we were coming, we assumed, breakfast was ready. Hapo kwa meza buffet haijuani. Hosts akatuambia ‘karibuni chai.’
ISSA BIG MISTAKE.
Man, tukaweka menjos chini, tukatoa viatu, tukanawa. Tukasema sala. Tukajirusha uwanjani tukakaribia meza.
Wacha tujipurure. Tukajipurura. TUKAJIPURURAAA. My goodness.
Chai kwenye mkate, sausage kwenye smokie. Omellete kwenye boiled eggs. Weetabix na cornflakes pale. Juice tu ndio ilikuwa quencher. Alafu miraculously Avocado is Bae iko. Si ilikuwa smaaaart.
Ma boy wakajiachilia mpaka sasa Bezo anataka kutoa shati. Tunamwambia acheze chini. Anacheka Cheka tu. Mimi niko kwa sturungi. Silent. Siamini vile jeshi inacheza rugby kwa game ya chess. Stealthily just calculating how I am not working with Kula kulas ever again in my entire life.
Tukainua menjos sasa tunacheza PRO! Kwa kika click unasikia, ‘Amazing. Click. Now give me a smile. Click. Niiice. Click. Another one. Click. WAUUUUU. Click. Good stuff. Click. One more. Click.’
Shortly I hear someone scream, ‘Uuuuuwwwiiii. Nani amekula sausage za wageni?’ Nika- meza Adam’s apple.
Another voice: ‘Nimeziweka hapo kwa meza less than five minutes ago.’ Screamer: ‘Oh my God. Imagine zime-disappear.’
The another voice says again. ‘Oh no. What is this? Surely? Nani anaweza fanya kitendo kama hiki! THE DEVIL IS A LIAR.
Sasa nimewacha kupiga picha juu niko radar yangu yote. Tu-bridesmaids ati wananiita. ‘Can you come take photos of us guys taking selfies?’
Me: I’m busy. Her: Doing what? Me: Thinking of one million ways to kill Bezo. She flips her eyebrows and goes away disappointed.
Another one comes, ‘Us guys need some photos taken.’
Me: I’m busy. Her: (Opening her mouth) Me: You want to know what am doing?
Her: No. Ni Sawa basi. But can you give me your camera I go take photos? Me: No!
Her: Jeez. I am just trying to help.
Sasa huyu msichana amelelewa Buru Phase 1 ni pedho tu ya kizungu inamsumbua. So I ask her if she really wants to help.
Her: Of course, babe! Me: (to myself) Babe tena? Aki ni nini ilinileta kwa photography?
Her: Ehe? (Tumacho tu-round tumerauka).
Me: I need a continental buffet breakfast enough to feed Kakamega, or 2, I need the head of that round boy holding a camera in platter. He should be biting on an grape.
Her: Hizi eyebrows zina anguka. Acha nikam.
I have no option but to kill him myself.
I call the lads in and have a crisis meeting. ‘Jamaa, si niliwashow msiguze zile stuff kwa meza. Oneni sasa mumeleta mezesha. I am so disappointed in you, boys.’
Vinyangarika zimeinamisha vichwa tu. Alafu Bezo… BEZO! He opens his mouth.
Bezo: Fadhe, mimi naona hivi. Tuchange change chapaa chap chap, nikimbilie smokie hapo Buru stenje, juu ule jamaa anakinda saa hii ashafungua, hazichangamkie mara hiyo hiyo na nikuje na boiro ka ashu tuzime hii nare. Juu ni kugwan sasa.
Hapo ndio nikajua kumbe Cyprian Is Not Nyakundi. I have never been disappointed by the words of a round boy like that. What is this now?
Me: (Rhetorically to Bezo) Alafu video zitaji-record?
Bezo: ilikuwa ni idea tu. Ama wewe sema yako basi tusikie.
Me: Me idea yangu ni wewe unyamaze.
Bezo: Ata hiyo inaweza work.
So I gather myself to go and confess our sins. The guys have tried to even bribe me not to confess. But I am a man of God. And I need a clear conscience.
I step into the house and The Another Voice greets me.
Her: Muhori wa bisha. Derakunywa Shai?
Me: (I channel all my kyuk). Usher. Gotire kunywa chai oyo degwo dhafuni! This is the detergent. Donge?
Her: Ninauliza, Umekunya chai?
Me: (In summary). Usher!
Her: Woi. Pole. Kuna watu mameingia makakunywa chai yenu, na wageni. Lakini tumewekelea ingine kwa Moto. Mutupatie muda tu.
Nikainua mikono, nikaanza kuimba, ‘Kwa Moyo wangu wote, natoa shukrani kwako, Massi- ah-ah-ah, nashukuruuuuu.’
Kidogo kidogo umati ya mtu ka sita ikaingia. Wamevalia mavazi rasmi ya chui. Na wanataka chai yao. They are all talking at the same time. And they are very pissed.
‘We got here so early. We were told breakfast will be ready by 7. We can’t work like this.’ The Another Voice explains the situation. They are madder even now. But she assures them that she is sorting it out. She tells all of us to sit at the table.
I ask her, kwani Ile chai mlipika asubuhi ilikuwa ya akina nani?
Apparently Bezo single handedly finished what was meant to be the Isikuti breakfast. Breakfast is brought. They refuse to eat. ‘Hii si chai!’
While they are deciding what tea is and what it is not, women from boychild’s family come to receive the bride and they are looking for the Isikuti guys. They refuse to get out. They have not had breakfast. It’s a standoff. But they are not making their demands known. An uncle comes to plead with them. And then they say it openly now.
They want cham. Chang’aa. Ng’ang’o. Jetfuel.
Atomic scale KDF!
Bezo na kiherehere yake, ‘Nilikuwa najua tu hiyo ndio kitu walikuwa wanataka. Ni vile tu singesema.’ NKT!
So the guys negotiate and are given 3k for ‘breakfast.’ They agree to lead the singing only after they call someone to come down to Outer with the pure thing. Of course they almost fight each other coz they can’t decide if they should get it from Kiambio, Kibera or Katwikira. Anyway, they put up a sloppy performance for an hour. Then finally the Seven Deadly Sins arrive in a 5 liter kube tied to a nduthi.
And then, Armageddon!!!
Si those guys sang all of their. Like 6 men sang louder than more than 50 people who claim they are in a choir somewhere. Hao wasee wasita waliimba for 45 minutes nonstop kwa akina dem, and then all the way to Friends Church, Ngong Road, and they didn’t stop.
Mpaka the Pastor asked them to do a lap around Prestige Plaza just to calm down. They crossed the road and did a 2 hour pro-bono show for pedestrians.
Tukitoka hapo tukaenda photoshoot. Tukirudi St.Christopher’s Karen umati bado unashikisha marwembo.
The happiest guys I have ever seen.
We last saw them after the sunset shoot on my way home. Southern Bypass, near Kibera. Bado wakiimba na kupiga hutotuchuma na uto tu drums twao.
And the potent staff in the kibuyu is not even half spent.