Noisemakers.

Noisemakers.

Guys, do you know another day there, I was in primary school, and the noisemakers’ book got lost. I was in class Faef.

And that it was found.

By my mother.

In our house.

Our neighbor teacher had told her that some kiddos in her class had nyoroshad the book. She had asked me and I had even touched the floor with my right index finger, lambad my hand, and lifted it up.

The Mother was like, ‘Why are you overreacting. If it is not you, it is not you. If it is you, ntakupata!’

It’s a Friday jioni, uchokozi imenipeleka Calif. Later, I head back home. When I am about to enter our block, I see the Zamba tree that was about to bloom had been lweruod clean. Zamba then was a Natural Treasure in Kenya. Iraq has oil. South Africa has Gold and Diamonds. Ethiopia has Coffee. Congo has copper, gold, diamonds, cobalt, & uranium. Uganda has Museveni. We had Zamba. Or as my relatives would say, Sambarau.

I was shocked at first. Then I just started laughing. And then I started shoutin. “KATENIII… KATENI ZOTE NA MCHOME! Ata mkitaka mkate zile za Uganda na Tanzania. Lakini mjue zambarau tutakula mpende msipende. Mlie msilie. Tutakula na tutakula. Kwani iko nini?” I was like, ‘Nyinyi watu kumbe hamnijui mimi.’

I was wondering why some people are being extremely salty jokers. Zamba imewafanyia nini, jamaneni. Nikajiambia ni Mama Kathanga anaweza do something like that. Alafu I promised myself, nitaenda kuiba gunia 50 za Zamba, na ata hao akina Kathanga hawaonji ata moja ng’oo!

While I was there thinking how I was going to feelisha them, I hear someone whistle.

Someone: Fyuu.

I turn to see who that is. It’s the mother. Looking outside the window.

Me: Sasa mum. Ebu ona vile Mama Kathanga amekatakata miti ya Zamba hivi. Hii ni ungwana?

Mum: (Puts a finger on her mouth). Shhhhhh… (And then she rolls her fingers.) Bii!

That ‘Bii!’ was very polite. It wasn’t for alarm. She played me well well there.

I check into the house, all lelo like, ‘Hii ploti watu hawajui utamu wa zambarau. Hakuna mtu anajua zile vitamins zote tunaweza pata. Zamba imeshinda juice ya quencher. Kazi tu ni kukatakata branches za miti bila kuuliza. Saa hii zimekuwa ni kuni. Watu wanataka kupika mothokoi.”

I check into the sitting and, Jehovah Lord, all those zamba branches are on top of the table, even the table is leaning on one side.

Mum: Ebu come baba.

Kai. Nikaji – faint – isha faster faster mara hiyo hiyo. I am buying time. I am like, ‘Leo nimefanya ngori gani aki ndio nipoteze maisha bure?’

Nikiwa harakati napiga mahesabu nikasikia kiboko moja moto faya sana kwa ze el diablo.  ‘Vvvvvvvvwap!’

Nikaamka nikirukaruka nikilia. ‘Waaaaaa, sorry mum.’

Nikaskia tena, ‘Shhhhh!’ Nikatulia. Nikakuwa atenshan mbaiya sana. Natafuta chwom ya ku-duck. She figures it out and locks the door.

Hapo ndio nikajua kumbe Dj ameweka ngoma tuzikwende.

Mum: (Pointing at a book on the table) Hii ni nini?

Me: Hiyo ni kitabu.

Mum: Kitabu ya nini?

Me: Ina kaa exercise book. Ya kuandikia.

Mum: Ni ya nani?

Me: Ata sijui. Pengine niangalie.

Mum: (Stretches her hand).

I take the book, still rubbing ze dusko.

Nikifungua… It’s the noisemakers’ inventory book. Nikajua nimekufa. Mbona maisha ngumu hivi, jameni? Why?

Mum: Ni kitabu ya nini?

Me: (Si nimeshikwa tayari) Hii ni ile ya noisemakers.

Mum: Ni ya nani?

Me: Ya masinya?

I kula another hot one. ‘Vwap!’

Mum: Ongea Kiswahili sanifu. Ni ya nani?

Me: Sijui prefect ni nini kwa Kiswahili. Ama niseme Orifo?

By the way I am really crying at that time, my tears are just flowing.

Ingine, ‘Vwap!’

Mum: Orifo ni wewe. Ebu na uniambie, hii kitabu ulitoa wapi?

Me: Nili (sniff) io (sniff) kota.

Mum: (Mocking me) Uli (sniff) io (sniff) kota (sniff) wapi?

Me: Pa (sniff) le (sniff) shu (sniff) …

Mum: Weweeeeeee…. Hautaniongelesha na staccato hapa. Okoa masaa.

Me: (Sniff) Shule.

Mum: Kwa nini haukupelekea Teacher.

Me: Nitampelekea.

.

Let me tell you why it was really imporrent that that Noisemakers’ book had to disappeared. Our school had become number last in Starehe Division Exams. Kuvuruta mkia kapsaa. The headteacher had declared total war on noisemakers, and had said, anyone caught making noise, will be chapwad by class teacher, then discipline master, and then the end of every week parents would called to come to school on Mondays for another round of punishment.

Look, mimi siogopi mwalimu, but ukileta The Mother kwa hiyo story, priss, eh! I can’t remember how we found out, but my name was on the list. That book had to go.

Faster faster ki-ganstar, book is picked by prefect’s deskmate, ikatembezwa daro back pass mdogo mdogo ikapatikana njee ya gate 3:45! Saa ya kwenda home.

The plan was that I burn it. But juu nilikuwa nimeokoka nikasema niwashe nayo jiko. I really regretted not burning it.

Three weeks later, it is discovered. By The Mother.

Any who, sasa si niko pale The Hague? Niseme nini? Nifanye nini?

.

Mum: Uliiokota ma uliiba?

Me: Niliiokota.

Mum: On Monday ujue ni mimi na wewe shule. Utaridisha hii kitabu.

Me: Hakuna haja mum, ntaipeleka mwenyewe.

Kiboko ingine kwa mguu. ‘Vwaap!’

Me: Ok. Sawa mum.

I have already decided I’m going to run away from home on Sunday evening, so that’s that.

Me: I turn to leave.

Mum: Weee… come back here.

Me: Yes, ma’am.

Mum: Nikuulize, hi kitabu ya 96 pages imejaa, jina yako iko kwa pages 84 kwa nini? Ni nini unaulizanga watu shule? Na the other 12 days ulikuwa wapi? Umeanza kutoroka shule?

Me: (Opening my mouth to dig the hole deeper and crying at the same time…) Aaaaa… Mum: Shhhh… Don’t even talk. Ni mimi na wewe Monday. Kitaelelweka.

But God…

That Sunday evening, the main man, Ambrose Adongo, Chairman of Kenya National Union of Teachers, GOD BLESS THAT MAN & HIS FAMILY ALWAYS, announced nationwide teachers’ strike. Starting immediately. And they were out for 3 whole weeks before we went in for final week of exams.

Then Boom. Closing!

Hiyo story ikaenda hivyoooooo. Because God is gracious.

Otherwise, ilikuwa niende, aki!

END

Paushinski

Creative Writer | Photographer | Filmmaker

This Post Has 16 Comments

  1. 😂😂😂 The Mother. I felt like I lived in that house of yours.Aah.The sniffs.Mama Lucy once broke a table to get a kiboko to whip me..Lethal women those ones.

    1. Shukran Mzae.

      Thanks so much for the support all through.

      Ahsante.

    2. Weee! Your mother must be my mom’s dada.

      1. It could probably pass for the same person.

  2. But God…
    Wah I die!

    1. Arise.

      Thanks for being here. I appreciate the reading and the comments too. There should be a new post under #TheMondayBlues every Monday morning, and then some, so please come back again and again.

  3. Thank you. This was one of the funniest things I’ve read in a very long while.

    1. Thank you so much. And thanks for sharing it.

      I am always lurking on your blog watching and looking at festivals and all that. Nimefurahi umepitia hapa.

      Ahsante.

  4. This is so funny, and relatable 😂😂😂😂
    We thank God for mothers😁

    1. Yeah. Thank God for those blessed matriarchs.

      Thanks for reading.

      Please share with as many as you can. Ahsante.

  5. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
    U have enjoyed this Kapsaaa. So alive. But did our parents had to go to the same school?

    1. Hahaha…

      Ahsante sana.

      Appreciated.

  6. Ey Pau, twitter imenileta hapa and I don’t know how I missed this one, mbavu zinauma msee 😂😂😂

    1. Hahaha. Karibu sana.

      See you on Monday!

  7. Nimecheka yangu yote kwanza ukitetea mti ya zamba😂😂😂

    1. You have to always fight for what you beieve in.

      Ama namna gani my fren?

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